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Charlemagne42 Ballot for 2024 Preseason

Ballot Type: Human

Submitted: Aug. 12, 2024, 1:05 p.m.

Overall Rationale: As usual, my preseason ballot and my first few weeks of the season will all be 100% all-natural vegetable-free human input. My computer considers only data from the current season, in order to make the fairest judgment of all teams as they are this season. No lingering expectations based on injured quarterback(s) keeping Florida State down, no lingering expectations of yet another Heisman quarterback floating USC *up*. As the computer model gathers data, I will start replacing my input with its input gradually, transitioning through "cyborg" mode for a few more weeks until the Singularity occurs and the computer is completely in charge.

Rank Team Reason
1 Georgia Bulldogs You wanted rat poison, Kirby? Here it is. Georgia is the #1 football team in the country. Everyone expects you to win every game on your schedule. If you do that, it will make us all feel very neutrally. Because we all expected it. If you lose a game, it will surprise us. Your players are respected. They all have promising NFL careers ahead of them and we wish them well. We also respect your fans living their true selves. It takes a great deal of bravery to come out as a furry, especially in the South, but your fans proudly bark their truth and wear no cone of shame. We wish you the very best this season, and just hope everyone can have fun.
2 Ohio State Buckeyes Ohio State drew a fairly lucky schedule this season. They get both Purdue and Iowa in the Shoe, as well as Michigan. They play just four road games. Penn State overlooked the Buckeyes and scheduled their white-out for Washington instead. If Ohio State can punish Penn State for that mistake, and shoot down Oregon's hopes on the road, they'll be clearly one of the top 2 teams heading into championship week.
3 Florida State Seminoles Run it back. Win the double conference opener. Win the double bye week. Win the mid-conference stretch. Win the second bye week. Win out the conference games, raining on Miami, UNC, and Notre Dame's parades in back-to-back-to-back weeks. Win the double bye week, then put the Gators into their misery. Win the conference title game. Win the playoff bye week. Win the quarterfinal, win the semifinal, and then find yourselves face-to-face with Georgia. Lose 63-3.
4 Ole Miss Rebels Ole Miss is in a great spot. Coming off the best season in school history, they return their QB and most of their receiving production. The front half of the season is loaded. It culminates in a visit to LSU immediately after another SEC road game. If the Rebels can make it to the first bye week unscathed, they'll earn a playoff home game at minimum, maybe even a rematch with Georgia first to decide who gets the bye.
5 Oregon Ducks The B1G didn't pull any punches for UO. They face Wisconsin in Wisconsin in November. They play @ Michigan in November. The Ducks play @ Purdue immediately after they play Ohio State, in the middle of an eight-week-long course of conference opponents with no rest. And Oregon needs to rise to every challenge on their schedule if they want to make the playoff. Luckily for Oregon, they have the best roster money can buy.
6 Oklahoma Sooners Likewise, the SEC didn't pull any punches for OU. They face Auburn in Auburn for their first SEC road game, and they end the season in the Swamp, for what will probably be ESPN's GameDay. The Sooners visit iconic SEC venues like The Grove and... whatever Mizzou calls their place. And at the same time, Oklahoma introduces the SEC to the single most iconic college football fixture of every season: OU vs Texas, in the Cotton Bowl, amid the classic smells and sounds of the State Fair, with the stadium split crimson and burnt-orange down the 50 yard line. SEC, welcome to Oklahoma. If you hear a siren and it's not noon, get underground.
7 Penn State Nittany Lions Penn State quietly has a friendly schedule for the first time since maybe ever. WVU will be good later but not when the Nittany Lions play them week 1. They'll light the fuse on USC's dynamite foundation. They catch Wisconsin during Wisconsin's walk of death. However, they will make the mistake of scheduling the white-out game for Washington instead of Ohio State the week before. Penn State's own walk of death will be highlighted by a visit to Purdue immediately after all three ranked teams on the Nittany Lions' schedule. But, if they can make it through all that, they have a real shot at the conference title.
8 Utah Utes Utah roars out to a perfect regular season record and a conference title, then comes to a screeching halt in the playoff quarterfinals. They'll have a couple of scares early in the season, but by November they'll seem inevitable. Still, with a title from the conference that prefers the label "power" while everyone else side-eyes them pityingly, they'll get their playoff berth. Maybe when the American conference becomes the Bank of America conference brought to you by Liberty Mutual, Yormark can swipe the American's branding.
9 Alabama Crimson Tide Alabama finally draws Georgia in the regular season, and it couldn't have happened at a worse time for the Tide. Georgia is out for revenge, Saban retired, and they meet the Dawgs in Kalen DeBoer's SEC debut, but after Georgia has already played a conference road game. The factors working in Bama's favor are the bye week before the game, the home crowd, and the five-deep of NFL talent Saban left behind. Down the stretch, Bama will drop a tough road game or two, but the committee won't be able to help themselves. If Bama is 9-3, they're in.
10 North Carolina Tar Heels UNC has an away game against a northern blue blood... in August. As a result they won't play a competitive game until week 10, when they coincidentally also earn their first loss, to FSU. They'll win out the stretch, then face FSU again in the conference title game. I mean, you can't really fault them for losing to a team I have winning 34 of their last 36 games by end of season. They should make the playoff with that kind of resume. Which means they absolutely cannot drop any other game. Especially not to NC State.
11 LSU Tigers Five away games at power opponents, but LSU shouldn't worry about any of those. USC will be an easy win now that Lincoln Riley's top choice of high school quarterback is in the NFL, and also Southern Cal will be an easy win before LSU even plays USC. Arkansas will be Arkansas, LSU catches A&M after their regularly scheduled mid-season collapse has started, and Florida will likely be past their Interim Head Coach performance bump by the time LSU visits. However, the Tigahs do host a slew of tough teams in the Swamp. LSU will be in good playoff position if they can find success at home. If.
12 Iowa Hawkeyes Death, taxes, Iowa punting their way to a 10-2 record. This time the pathway is pretty obvious. They play 3 teams I have ranked here. Only Ohio State is ranked ahead of them. Both the Badgers and the Huskies have to go to Kinnick. Iowa might have the easiest schedule in power football, and they will ride it to one of the rarest achievements: a win total greater than their PPG.
13 Tennessee Volunteers It's never fun to start a QB with just one college game of experience. Ask me how I know. But, Tennessee's head coach won a national championship as a quarterback. Nico has every resource he should need to succeed. He has a couple of early tests @ NC State and @ Oklahoma for the Sooners' SEC debut, but by October Tennessee should be rolling. Rolling cigars, that is, in preparation for that Third Saturday. While they do face Georgia in Athens, Tennessee should be in great shape to make the playoff - as long as Heupel can download his brain into Iamaleava's.
14 Michigan Wolverines Michigan will lose 4 times this season, but each of their opponents in those losses will be top-5 teams at the time the game is played. Two of them will duke it out for the B1G title. Michigan will be rewarded with the highest-ever ranking for a 4-loss team as the Poll Momentum (TM) from their national championship never completely wears off.
15 Notre Dame Fighting Irish Normally, you don't want to play @ Texas A&M early in the season. It's hot, it's wet, and the Aggies are in their "we're gonna win a 17-0 national championship" era. Usually that era doesn't end until week 6 or so, when other teams accustomed to hot, wet, and talent that doesn't work hard show up on A&M's schedule. Notre Dame will put an end to that Tradition (TM). However, they'll drop a couple late, including to Florida State, and without a conference title as that Thirteenth Data Point (TM) they'll miss the playoff in its first-ever controversy of the 12-team format. They still won't join a conference.
16 Missouri Tigers Okay, I lied. Iowa doesn't have the easiest schedule in power football. It's Mizzou, and they should be practicing for that Bama game all September and October long. Among P2 teams, only Mizzou drew the perfect 4-4-4 schedule, with 4 games between each pair of byes. The Tigers miss Georgia, LSU, Tennessee, and Texas. They get Auburn at home, they get A&M right after a bye, they get Oklahoma right after a bye. The only team I have ranked that falls into an inconvenient schedule spot for Mizzou is @ Bama, right after Auburn. With this kind of setup, Mizzou has no excuses for when they lose two or three games and miss the playoff (again).
17 Oklahoma State Cowboys Oklahoma State will start 1-3, then make the Big 12 title game. In peak Oklahoma State fashion, they will accomplish this bizarre feat by making that 1 win the only SEC team on their schedule. That's right, they're losing to South Dakota State (why would you schedule them???), Tulsa, and then Utah to open conference play, after putting down Arkansas. But, because they have just one conference loss, they'll make the title game against... Utah again. And lose. Again.
18 Washington Huskies Washington's first B1G conference game will be a home game against Northwestern, and the conference couldn't have given them a friendlier welcome. After showing off their Midwestern Nice, though, the B1G will put their Midwestern Nasty on full display, making the Huskies travel to New Jersey. It's not Midwestern Nasty because of the long flight, but because they have to be in New Jersey. Also because they'll have to lose to Rutgers. Luckily for Washington they'll pull out of that dive, missing the title game and the playoff but finishing a respectable 9-3.
19 Miami Hurricanes Miami's been innovating this off-season. While everyone else was focused on FSU and Florida, they've been cooking in Coral Gables. Word on the street is, they've come up with some concepts no one has ever seen before. It's gonna be completely impossible to defend. Mario is calling this package the "QB Kneel", and he will use it to great effect in dispatching the rival Gators week 1. Still gonna lose to GT again though.
20 Wisconsin Badgers The Badgers have the distinct misfortune of playing 4 teams I have ranked ahead of them, but the dubious fortune of playing three of them in Camp Randall. One of which will be Oregon, in November, when Ducks belong in SEC country. Despite missing Ohio State and Michigan, four of the teams that beat them will end the season ranked, so Wisconsin with its world-class schedule will have the dubious honor of being the only ranked 5-loss team.
21 Texas Longhorns Texas is coming off a semifinal appearance, a conference championship, and their best season since Mack Brown was in Austin. They return their starting QB, most of their OL, and a significant chunk of run production, as well as retaining their complete offensive staff. The Longhorns also have the easiest conference schedule in the SEC, and as of this preseason ranking are favored against everyone they play except Georgia. How do they end up at 21? Defense. The Texas faithful are expecting to see an old-school 2012-era SEC, unused to defending against a lethal air attack and reliant on their own ground game to batter you to bits. What they'll see instead is Mississippi State's air raid, Vanderbilt's pass rush, and Florida's interim head coach. While the Horns will likely win all three of those games, they may be unprepared for the humility of losing to three rivals in a single season. Texas will give up more yards this season than ever in their history, thanks to a chart of defensive returners that looks more like a one-deep than a three-deep.
22 Auburn Tigers With eight home games, Auburn can count on the spirits of the ancestors buried under Jordan-Hare to make their season exciting. If they can harness the chaos, Auburn can win all of those home games. But, their four away games may be their four toughest games: Georgia, Alabama, Mizzou, and Kentucky. In order to end the season ranked Auburn will need to steal at least one of those. Can they do it?
23 Kentucky Wildcats It shouldn't surprise anyone at this point, but Kentucky is my SEC surprise team. However, because they're still Kentucky, every game they lose will be winnable except Georgia. Who will it be this year? Ohio (not State)? Auburn? Louisville? Ole Miss? Vanderbilt? Regardless of how they get there, Kentucky projects at a surprising 8-4 against a challenging schedule.
24 Kansas Jayhawks Kansas is Back (TM). Wait were they ever actually There? Whatever. Kansas opens 3-0 in the tune-ups, yes Illinois is a tune-up, then drops one in-conference ahead of their late bye. They'll drop another in-conference down the stretch, but miss the conference championship at 10-2 thanks to 9-3 Oklahoma State's shenanigans.
25 Rutgers Scarlet Knights My wild card team. Last year it was Kansas, and... look at Kansas now. Why Rutgers? I hear you ask. The Scarlet Knights haven't been good since 1869! I hear you complain. Well my friend, look at their schedule. Rutgers plays two (2) teams I have ahead of them. They get both at home. Their only real road test @VT comes after their bye week. They even miss September Maryland! Who else don't they play? Ohio State, Oregon, Penn State, Michigan, or Iowa. Book it, Rutgers 8-4. (They're still Rutgers...)

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