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Doogitywoogity Ballot for 2024 Week 8

Ballot Type: Human

Submitted: Oct. 13, 2024, 7:49 p.m.

Overall Rationale: I found myself looking head on to the event horizon of a black hole. The Kerr metric defining the gravitational distortion of spacetime almost perfectly showing the multiple images of the accretion disk. I sat, contemplating reality and asked the universe, “how should I rank the top 25 college football teams this week?” From the depths of the supermassive black hole I now found myself hurtling towards, I heard a voice. Lee Corso’s voice. And this is what I was told

Rank Team Reason
1 Oregon Ducks I heard Lee Corso’s voice from the depths of the black hole. “I apologize to the ducks, they are the best team in the country.” I knew not whether I was going insane. The same Oregon that allowed Idaho to play within 10? “Yes,” the universe responded, “they have much improved since the early season slump. And the Duck is gonna get Sydney Sweeney’s number”.
2 Texas Longhorns And then unto me the universe said, “texas is back” and I heard the sounds of the 5 parallel universes crying out in sorrow
3 Miami Hurricanes Once the howling ceased, the universe then said, “and Miami too” and the 5 parallel universes cried out again
4 Georgia Bulldogs I pleaded with the supermassive black hole, please this can’t be true. And I once again heard Lee Corso’s voice. “It is true, and Georgia somehow will be fourth despite losing to Alabama”. Across the 6 universes Floridamen dropped to their knees, jorts not protecting them, and wept even louder.
5 Penn State Nittany Lions The universe tried to comfort me, “all is not lost young traveler, Penn State will be number 5”
6 Ohio State Buckeyes And Ohio state? I asked. The universe responded, “they lost a close one away against another top team, they shall be sixth”. As Lee Corso’s voice echoed through the cosmos most inhabitants shrugged in agreement, except for Michigan which nearly combusted in rage.
7 Notre Dame Fighting Irish But who should be next?! I cried out to the universe, who should take the 7th spot? And the depths of the black hole again spoke, “Notre Dame, we’ve decided we are going to hype them up despite the super embarrassing loss to northern Illinois.” And I said for real? Who they beat? “Texas A&M” the universe responded and I said but we really aren’t very good and- “SILENCE!” Boomed the universe as Lee Corso’s voice echoed through the dimensions. “I SAID WE DECIDED WE’RE HYPING THE IRISH” and the cosmos shook with fear
8 Clemson Tigers Apologies, I said to the universe as I looked down to the event horizon. And who will we put next? “Clemson” the universe said calmly. Really? Like what have they done to- “DO YOU DARE QUESTION ME MORTAL” Lee Corso’s voice again boomed. And for 7 minutes all 6 universes stood in silence.
9 Alabama Crimson Tide As the 12 space chickens crowed in union, signaling the end of the ka’linga’sHerron the universe said softly and clearly, “Alabama will be ranked 9th after yet another disappointing showing.”
10 Indiana Hoosiers And the universe without a pause then said, “Indiana will be 10th” and all the inhabitants of the 6 universes nodded in acknowledgement of the amazing work going on there.
11 Kansas State Wildcats I so I asked the universe, who should be the first out of the top ten? And Lee Corso’s voice with intent such that you could hear his devious smile said, “Kansas State”. I knew by now not to question the universe, but I feared they have gotten this one wrong.
12 LSU Tigers And the black hole bellowed with laughter and said unto me “I can tell you’re unsatisfied with that, I am the universe, I am all of creation, all that has ever been and all that will ever be. I am the des’kragian nightmare. Perhaps this will alleviate your worries, at 12 we have LSU”.
13 BYU Cougars And then the universe said, without missing a beat, “BYU will be placed at 13 because that is an unlucky number and we think that is funny”. Now this perplexed me, not the placing BYU at 13 because it’s funny, that makes sense, but I asked the universe back, what do you mean by we?
14 Texas A&M Aggies And then from all around me, all I could hear were whoops and hollering, from every corner of the 6 universes, this was the opposite of a ka’linga’sHerron. This was 7 straight minutes of noises and sound, near deafening to all who hear it. From the depths of the black hole a new voice emerged, oddly enough, Macklemore’s. And he said “foolish mortal, don’t you know each of the 6 universes has a ruler?!” I now feared I had opened a can of worms I was ill prepared to face. More voices started emerging, joining Lee Corso and Macklemore. Next was Adam Sandler who said “And you, your Aggies will be 14”
15 Tennessee Volunteers Then breaking into his dumb fucking goofy voice Adam Sandler says, “and poor Tennessee falls all the way to 15 even after winning”
16 Missouri Tigers I then found my self frozen in time as I faced the event horizon, the voices of Lee Corso, Macklemore, and Adam Sandler inescapable. In unison said “Missouri will be overrated at 16”
17 Iowa State Cyclones Now from the depths of the black hole a fourth voice joined, that of former British Prime Minister Liz Truss who said “And Iowa State shall be underrated at 17”. And all four voices laughed in unison.
18 Pittsburgh Panthers “But-“ the voice of Liz Truss interjected, echoing through the cosmos, “Pitt shall be properly ranked around 18” and every being in the universe agreed, except for West Virginia.
19 Illinois Fighting Illini And again a new voice emerged, one so familiar yet so distant in memory. Who else, but Quagmire. “Illinois will be at 19” he said in an uncharacteristically calm tone.
20 SMU Mustangs And from the black hole the voice said “And SMU at 20 with the hotties” as Quagmire’s voice returned to its normal tone.
21 Vanderbilt Commodores Now a sixth voice, the final voice of the parallel universes joined in. Through an elaborate number of vocal jumps, twirls, and growls, Beyoncé announced “Vanderbilt is at 21” and the universe cheered and everyone thanked Beyoncé for some reason.
22 Boise State Broncos And all 6 voices boomed as they announced through the universes, “BOISE STATE HAS A HEISMAN CALIBER RUNNING BACK” and quietly, “they will be ranked 22”
23 Army West Point I now feared I learned too much. I feared that I had too much of the universes knowledge revealed to me. I called out asking, why are there only 6 universes, the 5 parallel to my own? And the voices answered back in unison, “because you think too small”. And from the black hole laughter could be heard, more and more voices I couldn’t even recognize laughing at how ignorant a simple 4d being like myself must be, unable to comprehend even the simplest of interactions in the metaverse. And then they all suddenly stopped. A silence, but not the ka’linga’sHerron, for I could still hear my heart beating through my chest. No, something shut them all up. “Army will be 23” came the voice of a woman. I knew that voice, how could I know that voice? One so important to shut up the entirety of the orchestra of voices each ruling their own universe? Powerful enough to make even Beyoncé quiet? I knew there is only one being in all the infinite universes powerful enough to do this. My mother.
24 James Madison Dukes “surprised?” The voice of my mother beckoned from beyond the event horizon. “You see, there are infinite universes beyond the 6 you know. The 12 space chickens have witnessed them all. While there is your own and 5 parallel to it, what you may not realize is that in curvilinear space, seemingly parallel lines do not truly exist. They interact and collide with each other in ways your simple mind cannot understand. This leads to what you all in your universe refer to as chance. As simple as an electron spin flip, or as complex as the outcome of a football game, the interactions of all our parallel realities culminates in a semblance of probability in each of our realities. And within each of us is the power to interpret and create our own universe through the simple act of making a choice. So now my child I ask you, who do you want to be 24?” I close my eyes as I cross the event horizon, whispering simply, James Madison.
25 Navy Midshipmen I find myself, transported back to Earth. Back to reality as I know it. Away from the space chickens, away from Macklemore and all the voices, back to my home where I’m sitting on the toilet talking a shit. I regain my senses and see I have one more spot to decide. Navy I say to myself and smile as I drop a gargantuan turd in the toilet. And all was good in the universe. All was calm for just one moment.

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